Joy to the world.....

And so this is Christmas….and what have I done?  (Desperately hoping you sang this line!)

Well……..until around October I hadn’t really achieved a whole lot! This year had the potential to be just another boring “Groundhog Day” year! 

But was it? Something changed. Something popped up in my Facebook feed and I kind of liked the sound of it. It was a weekend away with a group of women. Women celebrating women and helping each other see their potential. Women who were strangers! Out of my comfort zone? Oh yes…just a little!

Why was it out of my comfort zone? Because I don’t share. I don’t “participate” in sharing my feelings, my fears, my weaknesses or even my strengths. I was a closed book and that was just the way I liked it. My wall had been built and I enjoyed having it surround me. That wall kept me safe….safe from hurt, from judgement, from disappointment. So I wanted it to stay. It was my protection from all that scared me. And the more my husband tried to bust it down, the taller I built it.  

But after attending that weekend, I started to realise that the wall I built wasn’t just protecting me from all the feelings I didn’t want to feel……it was also preventing me from letting out the feelings I DID want to feel. Like happiness. And joy. And belonging. That wall was isolating me from those I loved the most, those I wanted to experience life with. But I didn’t realise that. I was so caught up in things that had happened in the past that I was missing out on a fantastic future. 

Now, as I said in my earlier blogs, the first 15 years or so of our marriage weren’t all rosy and love hearty. They were tough. And those shitty years took its toll on my ability to enjoy life. I was bitter. I was angry. I was negative. I was tough. I had to be. That’s what I needed to be to get through the crappy times. But things changed. Well, my husband changed. He read books, he listened to podcasts, he read books, he listened to podcasts, he read books and he read some more books. Positive books. His self talk changed and he decided to value himself which in turn, saw him value those around him. He became the person I could always see in him…..even when he couldn’t see that. Awesome. So what did I do? I became more bitter, more angry, more negative. Instead of appreciating the change in him I questioned why it took him so long to finally appreciate me. I made him pay for those years. I reminded him constantly of what he did, how he treated me, how he made me feel. And he apologised. Again and again and again. And still I carried on. I wanted him to feel what I felt. The hurt, the disappointment, the stress. 

One day he said to me…”Today I’m saying sorry for how I made you feel, sorry for all the things I put you through. Sorry for hurting you. I’m saying sorry for things that happened in the past FOR THE LAST TIME. We need to move on, and while I’m constantly apologising to you, we are still stuck there. So for the last time, I’m sorry.” And that was that. He stood there strong and defiant in his decision, knowing it was what he needed to do to move past the crap. 

I. Was. Furious. How was I going to keep making him feel bad? He had been saying sorry tome for a long time and that was the way I liked it. Not consciously, but subconsciously…this was the penalty he paid for the past. And he was getting out of it?? No way. So he went on with life, while I virtually sat in the corner and sulked. Sulked about how unfair life was, about what everyone else had achieved, about what I missed out on. While I sulked, he grew. And grew.  And just put up with me. He would say “Push me away as much as you like…I’m not going anywhere. You stuck by me in my shitty times, I will stick by you in yours!” The nerve! How patronising! That made me dig my heels in further!

So sulking is kind of exhausting. I don’t know how toddlers do it…although they do get to have a sleep through the day! For me…well it was wearing me down. I was missing out on a lot. A lot of fun, a lot of joy, a lot of those precious times with my beautiful children. I was aware that I didn’t smile a lot…because that would make him think I was ok. That would make him think he got away with those crap years, and I couldn’t have that.

When I mentioned the weekend away, my husband was the one who phoned the girls who organised it and booked me in. Just like that. I think he probably prayed a lot that weekend and sent an abundance of positive vibes out to the universe that I would come back a different woman. And I kind of did. Over that weekend I realised that I wasn’t just punishing him. I was punishing my kids. And most of all…I was punishing myself. He had grown without me. He had moved on but I hadn’t. And it was time. Because in front of me was this beautiful, slightly damaged but repaired, man who loved me unconditionally. The man who loved our children like no one else ever would. The man who was doing everything in his power to become the man he always wanted to be. And the only thing sabotaging our happiness was….me. 

So I started thinking of how I could change. I mean, I didn’t want it to be too obvious! I just wanted to make subtle changes to my day that would make me feel joyful. Positive thinking can’t just be switched on….can it?

This blog was my motivation. I write about my emotions with more ease and more truth than when I speak about them. So I’m treating it as a type of journal I guess. Its making me accountable. Its reminding me that life is way to short to sit sulking in a corner. It’s reminding me that positive self talk is the key to feeling happiness. It’s reminding me to dance, to sing, to laugh, to make fun of myself, to accept those around me for who they are, not what I wish they would be. It reminds me that I’m extremely lucky. It reminds me to feel gratitude each and every day and to stop the blame game and be responsible for my attitude. It reminds me that I can choose…..I can choose to sulk and be negative and have life just pass me by, or I can CHOOSE LIFE! (Wham reference for one of my faves…xxx)

 What kind of memories do I want my kids to have of me as a mum? Do I want them to remember me as a negative, bitter, cranky, sulking mum? Because that’s where those memories were heading. I was often called the “Fun police”. I don’t want that. 

So this Christmas I’m going to look everywhere for joy, for happiness, for fun, for memories. Now that may not be easy! Christmas comes with a whole Santa bag of stress and angst. But I’m giving it my best shot to have a blast this Christmas. We have a roof over our heads, food in the fridge ready to prepare, we have each other, we are loved, we love, we are all well. Not everyone has all that so above all, we are grateful.

Our Christmas may involve an ugly Christmas shirt and some uglier Christmas earrings. It may involve Christmas carol singing, it may involve a lot of all round silliness. Because in the years to come, that’s how I want our Christmas to be remembered.

May your Christmas be the merriest of them all.

Love,

Cherie with a C

PS…The weekend I was away was organised by SheKan. Check them out on Facebook or search for their website. They are doing some pretty amazing things! If you are struggling in any area of your life, take a look at their retreats. Totally amazing. xxx