Lemon, lime and bitter....

So I probably need to state my intentions. Not just for you readers, but for myself. What do I want to achieve from writing this blog? An improved set of English skills? No. A degree in setting up a website? Absolutely not! I want to achieve a sense of fulfilment. I want to feel a sense of achievement. I want to find my purpose and passion. Will that come from simply writing? Possibly not. But writing about wanting to feel those things may just jolt me into changing some things. I mean, it may come from something as simple as a weekly yoga class that I have been too scared to try. Or from singing and dancing around the kitchen like a crazy lady, which I’m too embarrassed to do. I want to feel like I am worthy because I haven’t always felt that. That worthy feeling needs to come from me, not from someone else. I don’t want to rely on someone handing me my worth! I want to grab it and hang on to it!

For the past 23 years my purpose and passion has been our children. Totally into them, as a mother should be. They were all planned….conscious efforts (should I say effort?!) to procreate. I’ll spare you the details, but you get it. Those 23 years were spent doing what mothers do. Feeding, nurturing, loving, advising, growling, guiding, driving. It was busy! And rewarding. So rewarding. And I am grateful for every heart-wrenching, happy, terrifying second. Don’t get me wrong, mistakes were, and probably still are, being made. Perfect I am not. But I think I did ok. Actually WE did ok. My husband and I have had our ups and downs over the years but our parenting ideals were pretty much in tune. So we were balanced. Took it in turns being good cop/bad cop. And our kids have turned out to be pretty amazing young adults.

But I’m missing something. I’m missing me. And when I try to define me, I actually can’t. What do I love to do? I don’t know. If money wasn’t an issue, what would I do with my days? I don’t know. What are my hobbies? Um….you guessed it. I DON’T BLOODY KNOW!

So how do I change that?

I don’t want to reach 70 years of age and be bitter about my life. I don’t want to regret anything!

I celebrate the achievements of those around me. Just recently my 16 year old daughter sang on stage at a friend’s party. She has a beautiful voice but is quite shy about singing in front of people. I know, right!? Is that crazy? I would LOVE to sing like that, as would my sister who rocks out 80’s songs like she is……well not quite Roxette! Unfortunately, neither of us can actually sing! So while watching Miss B belt out an Adele song, I literally thought my heart would explode. I was sooo proud! But that was HER achievement. She did that. She did it!

I asked myself…..when was the last time I was proud of myself? And I got the sound of crickets…..because I don’t remember.

New Years Resolutions were abandoned years ago. Gym membership was purchased months ago. But now it’s time. Hence…the blog.

Full disclosure…in case you haven’t guessed, I’m not a professional writer. Hell, I’m not even a writer…..I’m a receptionist! A pretty good receptionist. I like my job. Does it fulfil me? Not always. I mean, I love talking to people. I love being the smiling, friendly face they see when they come into my place of work. But I’m not a nurse who cares for people in their darkest moments, I’m not a teacher who inspires students to be the best they can be. Is there something out there that will give me a sense of achievement as I wind up my day? Can I find that sense of achievement outside my working hours that can sustain me? That is the million dollar question!

As much as I need (and want) to do this, I have that little voice in my head. Even as I type this that little voice is speaking to me. “What the hell are you doing? Who do you think you are? Do you think anyone is interested in anything you have to say? You are not that clever, you are not that witty. You give up on everything……..BLAH BLAH BLAH.” You get it, right? Do we all have that same voice? I seem to hear it a lot! But I’m going to attempt to ignore it. I’m going to throw back a positive every time she whispers something to me. And I’m doing this for me.

How do I look further into what makes me up now? Well…I’m going to try new things. Open my mind. Start a list! I have a feeling most of the things that will be on my list are way out of my comfort zone. In fact, writing my thoughts down for all to see is way out of my comfort zone. But that’s ok. No one has to like this….except me.

So sit back. Throw some suggestions at me. Gentle ones to start with! I can’t see myself doing a triathlon, or jumping out of a plane. It might be something as simple as wearing something I wouldn’t normally wear! But I’m going to try to delve deep and really think about the things I enjoy and I’m going to see what I can come up with.

So keep reading. I promise you, you will laugh. You may cry. You may cringe at my grammar and sentence structure and over use of exclamation marks!! But if you are feeling anything like I’m feeling, jump on board! Let’s be proud of ourselves together.

Cherie with a C xxx