baby you can drive my car....

Oh lord…. I’ve been up since 6.03am! Yes…AM! That only happens if I have to be somewhere, like work. Or a day trip. Happy to get up at 6.0anything if we are heading off somewhere great. But it’s the weekend and apart from needing a coffee and having a wander down the street later, I don’t have any reason to be up at 6. 

Why did I get up you ask? 

Last week we bought a car. A nice car. A not-new-but-new-to-us car. Its got gadgets. There is no groaning aerial going up when I turn the key. In fact, there is no key! There is a flat thinga-me-bob that has to be in the vicinity of the car and you push a button to start the car. Push a button to start the car….get the flock out of here!! Never thought I would own a push button start car! My 2004 Commodore has a key. And it works. But it is getting a little old and…. old. A new car has been a need for a while now…but we actually bit the bullet and did it! Can’t wait to pick it up…already planning day trips, night trips, supermarket trips, K-Mart trips. You know….trips everywhere!

So what does that have to do with me rising and shining when it’s still dark on a Saturday?! 

I WANT TO BE BETTER.

The fact that we are getting a nice car kind of jolted me into action. You see, I never thought I deserved a nice car. I never thought I was worthwhile enough. Nice cars were for everyone else….not me. I never thought I was…..well, enough. But that’s changing. I am realising that I can set out to achieve things. I can write. I can blog. I can go to a yoga class. I can do whatever I put my mind to! So my mind is telling me to be……better. Think bigger. Dream bigger. 

Housework, as mentioned in my decluttering blog, ain’t my thing. But today, it’s my thing! I’ve washed curtains, cleaned the toilet, done 3 loads of washing, cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the lounge, dusted and broken 3 photo frames (that part was an accident) and it’s only 8.00am!

My internal voice recording is set on….”you are no good at housework, you will never have a nice car, you are not creative, your belly is flabby blah, blah, blah”. But what happens when you change that internal voice? Because over the last week I’ve been challenging that stupid bitchy little voice. I’ve been researching cars I like! I’ve test driven cars! I’ve bloody bought one! That little voice is kind of confused and kind of pissed off because a louder voice said “FLOCK IT! WE deserve a nice car so we are going to look them!” That little bitchy voice was drowned out by the sound of the push button starting car! And it’s not even loud! 

So OH MY GOSH! What if I stop listening when it says….you are no good as housework and just do the bloody housework! I want the house to be nice! I love it when the house is tidy! I can choose to be good at that! And if I’m not good I’ll look up tips from The Organised Housewife!! 

I also think I’m not great at learning new things. I’m a little impatient. But what if I actually am good at learning new things and I just haven’t given learning a good chance? I’ve been toying with doing an online course on social media marketing. Toying….not doing. But what if I do it and learn a new skill that I can use in our own business? I mean, I don’t have to earn an advertising degree! I don’t even have to earn money from it! But it would be kind of cool to have a new skill that could be useful. Need to take some action and just do it!

You know the other thing I’ve realised about myself?

I’m actually not scared of failing…..I’m almost 47! Failing doesn’t really worry me anymore. Failing something these days is a lesson on what not to do next time!

BUT……I’m scared of succeeding. Yep. Success scares me. Because to succeed at somethings means I’ve challenged my internal dialogue. It means I’ve stood up to her/me. It means the stuff I’ve been telling myself for the last 40 odd years needs to be deleted. It means I have to put myself out there. And thats hard! It’s hard to feel deserving and worthy with the click of the fingers. It’s hard to get that voice to start giving me mental high fives instead of sniggering at my efforts. It’s not natural. Well, not natural to me. So getting the car has brought out all sorts of angst in me. My stomach has a great big knot in it and I feel myself getting all jittery thinking about it! I almost felt like I was going to vomit when we walked out of the car dealership. But I’m also proud. I’ve challenged what that internal dialogue has been saying for years! I’ve stood up to her and given her the bird! In a way I’ve succeeded at proving her wrong and that feels weird, but weirdly satisfying!

So this week is going to be a challenging one. I’m going to look in the mirror everyday and tell myself I am worthy, I can write, I am a great wife and mum, I can face whatever the week throws at me and I deserve a car that starts with the push of a button. I mean, if I don’t tell myself that….why should others?

Have a great week and remember….you rock.

Love,

Cherie with a C.

xxx